I’ve been in Bali for 4 weeks, and decided to stay another month. It’s been an intensely healing journey for me and I’m just not ready to leave yet.
Although I’ve been practicing yoga for 10 years, it hasn’t been on a regular basis and I don’t push myself very hard, for fear of the pain or injury. These past few months in Bali and at the ashram in Vietnam have really elevated and deepened my yoga practice. And for the first time I can do a head stand! The spiritual aspect is a huge factor for my inner journey.
Bali has been so inspirational for me. The people are extremely gentle and humble. It’s been a good lesson for me to slow down my monkey mind, that I don’t have to be busy constantly, and to open myself to silence and stillness. I’ve attended several cleansing ceremonies in Bali, and have just been floored by the utter devotional displays. Women and men, young and old, all of them chanting with their eyes closed, heads raised up, smiles of pure bliss. Occasionally, people will start wailing and crying. It’s a bit stunning to see a grown man sobbing next to me, but I soon realize it’s just a natural emotional release for them. Balinese people spend about half their income on various ceremonies – no wonder they are so blissed out!
I’ve spent a few weeks at an amazing mountain yoga retreat center in North Bali, Gaia Oasis. The bungalows are nestled in the hillside, surrounded by lush banana trees, bamboo groves, coconut trees and flowering bushes. Yoga is twice a day, overlooking a pond filled with frogs. My first few days, I stay in my room recovering from food poisoning. Eventually, I feel better and venture out, sharing meals with other guests. One of the guests, after a two-minute conversation about healers, looks me straight in the eye and tells me I’m “undercover.” I don’t quite understand her meaning, maybe it’s lost in translation? So I ask her to clarify, and she tells me I’m undercover because I look so happy, but deep in my eyes she can see great pain and sadness. At first I feel a bit defensive because I am so unbelievably happy, but then I take a step back and own her words. I’m an incest survivor and have been working on these issues for decades. I’ve tried talk therapy, alternative treatments, meditation and hypnotherapy. And even though I can surround myself with goodness today, these horrible things happened to me as a child and I can’t change the past. In Bali, I’ve had so much time for contemplation that I’ve realized forgiveness is the true path for healing. Not for them, but for me.
A few days later, the yoga teacher leads us in a mantra about healing and forgiveness. She tells us to picture someone who needs healing and we begin the mantra (ra ma da sa, sa say so hung). I close my eyes and I’m at my brother’s house in New York. It’s a sunny day and I run into the house and hug my brother and mother tightly. We go into the back yard, feel the grass beneath our feet, throw our heads back in exaltation, holding hands, laughing and dancing. But then I imagine my Grandfather (who molested me) and he looks a bit uncomfortable. I hug him and we start to dance together. Later, my other brother joins us (who also molested me). I am really truly happy dancing with them. Afterwards, I open my eyes in this yoga room and am completely shellshocked by this spontaneous forgiveness.
A few days ago was Nyepi, Balinese New Year. It’s a day of complete silence in Bali. All the electricity is turned off, no one works, you can’t leave your house (or hotel), airplanes don’t even land in Bali! New Year is always a time to reflect on my life and think about my future. So this Balinese New Year, I decided to let love and joy into my heart. My new plans are to go to yoga teacher training in Vietnam in 2013, and open a yoga studio in Hoi An, Vietnam. I’m opening my heart more every day, and so amazed at where it’s taking me.
Sucking the Marrow from Life 
As always your words transport me. Thank you for sharing Annie.
Della, thanks dear. Glad you are along for the ride!
Hoi An. my favourite place in Vietnam.Best of luck,Annie.
Jose, you will have to come visit me someday!
Anne,
Forgiveness, such a hard thing, And I think you figured it out. It’s not forgiving their actions because we have no control over them. It’s forgiving ourselves. No wonder you can stand on your head now, you must be so much lighter not carrying that burden.
Keep up your good work. So glad you are honoring yourself in such an important way.
Here’s a big hug from Cali HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Love to you,
Jodi
Jodi, can it really be 26 years since we met in the woods? It has been a very long journey for me, and I’m so glad we have reconnected. xo
Chi, thank you for sharing and opening your heart to love and to trust. i am looking forward to seeing a new Annie in June. We’ll have a lot of fun. I love this quote of Mother Teresa “The people who lived in darkness have seen a great light.”
Love to you xo
Em, my heart is opening more every day! And I know it will open even more with you 😉 We will have a wonderful time together in June.
Okay I’m cocnevnid. Let’s put it to action.
Amazing post Annie! Great to hear you’re doing great. Your Seattle fan club loves and misses you and (as always) awaits your next adventure! Paul
Paul, are you the VP of my fan club and Mrs. Paul is the president? Love to you both!
You’re healing the world by healing yourself. And inspiring me every step of the way. May each step you take or don’t take bring you more peace and freedom to be who you are… Love, Jessica
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Jessica, thank you sweetie. You are also on the ride of your life and hope we can connect in the next few years. I’m loving your pix from Mexico!
You are an amazing woman Annie! You inspired me everytime I read your post. This year of Water Dragon is an extemely auspicious year for you since you are a rooster. And Dragon is your best friend! He will carry you high this year. It is suppossed to be your good year and it seems to have already started awesomely for you! (Don’t forget to always face WEST this year, that is the most auspicious sector for you as rooster and this year 2012, WEST is extremely auspicious!!!). When you meditate, try facing WEST all year long! My Feng Shui Guru Lilian Too always talks about spritual feng shui and you are already doing it. Wishing you more peace within, love and safety where ever your heart takes you. Love you!!!
Cherie, thank you for always being my Feng shui consultant! Good thing I have a compass on my IPhone to guide me. xo
Annie, beautiful story from your life. Lovely writing. Thank you for sharing. It means more to me than you know, having survived some similar shit in my own life. God, you are so close. Wish you would pop down to Australia and enjoy some beach time on the Coffs Coast with us! xx
Susan, thank you and it’s been a long road for too many of us. One of these days I’ll land on your doorstep, or head over to Vietnam. xo
Annie,
Well that is truly wonderful news – I’m so glad you have found this inner place of healing, peace and calm. Forgiveness is such a misunderstood word and concept – you have done a beautiful piece of deep work and shared it with all of us. Wishing you many more blessings on this journey. xxoxxx
Ann, you’ve known me for many years and I’m definitely softening my edges. Sending you a big belated birthday hug!
Amazing journey. Namaste, Annie.
Carol
Thank you, Carol!
Wow, Annie – I am speechless. Your entries are a great gift – thank you for your honesty, peace, forgiveness and heart. Sending you all the best . . .
Cobie
Cobie, thank you for all your support in the short time I’ve known you. I really appreciate all your virtual hugs!
Annie,
It sounds intense and wonderful, where you are. So glad that you are enjoying your experience! Best,
Teresa
Thank you, Teresa, and hope you’re settling back into home.
Hi Anne, I am a the daughter of a Vietnamese Mother and American Father from the war. I currently live in California was recently vacationing in Vietnam for the Holidays with my husband and two daughters. My husband and I were in Da Nang/Hoi An 10 years ago and were amazed by the growth and changes. It was a wonderful trip and I have been thinking about it ever since. If you have time, I would like to email you regarding some thoughts I have about a charity/foundation that I have been discussing with my husband. I would greatly appreciate your advice and knowledge you would be willing to share with me. Your adventures and new life sound amazing, congratulations on your bravery and the wonderful things you are experiencing. Truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing.
Lori, time has flown by and my apologies for not replying either. Happy to help and will email you separately.